They say you can't go back

They say you cant go back, but that's not really true in some cases. What I have found is that I can go back to being 315 lbs and it can happen faster than I thought. Two years ago I was at my lowest weight in over a decade 250 lbs. But I became complacent and made a somewhat unconscious choice to stay there. ( I wasn't doing the necessary to lose, but I also wasn't trying to get back to where I was.) I've not gone all the way back to 315, but at my last weigh in I was 278.2 lbs. That 28 lbs that I have to lose again. That kind of pissed me off. I could give you a thousand reasons why I gained it back but they would all be just be excuses.

Anyway, I don't write this for pity or to publicly shame myself. But for the sole purpose of public accountability. It's not like I lack resources. Besides Bootcamp, I work at a gym for crying out loud.

So the idea is to use the numerous resources at my disposal.

Step one: Reconnect with a healthy and supportive community. (That's all of you) Hi everybody. My names Cory and I'm a recovering fat guy.

Step Two: Plan - Meals for the week have been planned. (Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Grocery shopping has been completed. ( No more unplanned trips to the store-it's bad for the waist and the wallet) Workouts for the week are planned. (three days of running and at least two days of cross training)

Step Three: Execute - Meal prepping will be done tomorrow for the Monday Tuesday, and Wednesday. Wednesday will finish out Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Log those meals. I even added the premium to my Lose It so I could log in advance to help stay on track.

Step four: Be accountable - I plan to blog weekly about the success and failures of the previous week. My post may not be long but keep an eye out for it. I have also begun personal training with Jeremy to help get me back on track.

I have goals.

Still here

"The fact that you aren’t where you want to be, should be enough motivation."

This phrase keeps popping up. And I can only respond you’re right it should be. I have no excuses, although my brain tries to justify. I have no limitations, although my body says I do. So why doesn’t it seem like enough. I even asked the Dr. Freud’s Therapy ball that sits on my desk. And his best answer was HMMMMM! Are you kidding me! If the universal forces that control the therapy ball can’t help me than I must be helpless.  I should give in and quit, but the problem is I won’t. If I would, everything could just go back to the way it was before. Next problem, it can’t because I have been educated so I can’t go back. I can no longer be a victim to bad genes, behaviors, and ignorance.  If I go back I must admit fully that it was a choice and I knew full well what would happen. I have been given every tool that I can have. 

Okay so knowing all that tells me nothing about why I’m not going forward. I feel so much better than I did a year and a half ago, probably better than I ever have. It’s hard to believe that “I” can feel better than this so working towards it feels futile at times.   It’s not fun logging food every time I open my mouth, but it works. So I quit doing that before I have too much success.  Then I don’t start again for a while because what’s the use I’m just going to quit again. I feel like every set back, every bad choice/meal/decision makes me a failure. Feeling like that sucks! It’s not realistic but hey it’s “my” feeling. I know it’s true you can’t out train a bad diet. 

In my work and personal life I love seeing people makes changes to better themselves. I want to tell them that it’s okay to be scared, I was, and still am(obviously) but the journey is great, where you are headed is amazing.  So why am I not trying harder to change what I know needs to change.  I am still trying to figure that one out completely.  But I may fall and stumble, but I will not go back. In the immortal words of Chumbawamba “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down. “

There is only me this is who I am

Fat man in recovery.

I told one of my groups last week that I am a fat man in recovery. And I really need to look at my life that way. You see a person in recovery always has the options to go back to old ways but they understand the consequences and many times the heaviest consequence is their life.  But you see I likely won’t die quickly from this. It will likely takes days, week, sometimes years off of the end of my life.  Days, weeks, and years I want and I need to take back.

The last several months have been a yoyo with my weight I have lost gained and lost the same pounds over and over. Lots of various excuses but all in all inconsistency and lack of discipline. My running has slowly diminished to the point I feel like a beginner novice again.

I FEEL like I can’t yet I KNOW I can. I am getting back at it. The fat man inside me screams NO. No more lettuce! The fat man inside me says no more BURPEES. (Well actually the fat man and the skinny man inside me scream that.) You get the drift. He can’t win, he is fighting to stay on the outside. He will not win. I will probably always have a fat man inside me. He looks like shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, anxiety, and frustration. He looks for the fastest route to ease those things, and for too long it was food, and denial, and silence. The skinny man has been silently dying for too many years. He was quiet and gentle and afraid to stand up to the fat man and take what he deserved. A happy HEALTHY life.

So how do I support that Skinny guy?

 I stay connected with my skinny support group.

No, they are not all skinny it’s not a requirement to be in someone’s skinny support group.  Most of my skinny support group are fighting the same fights I am. I am not a skinny guy, yet I am able to support many people in their journeys.

I monitor what I eat.

I need to log my food because that is the ONLY time I lose weight. And let me be honest I HATE logging food. It is tedious to me. It’s not really that hard but it’s a mental thing. Fat guy block.

I exercise regularly.

I need to go to boot camp twice a week and I need to make time to run at least 2 times a week.  It doesn’t have to be a 100 miles but get out and go.

I had a conversation with fearless leader this morning. (For those of you just joining in fearless leader is the title I give to Trainer Jeremy Gruver, Gruver Outdoor Fitness Bootcamp). He encouragingly pointed out that the map to my next goal is not much different than the one taken to get here, now.  To which I asked very honestly then why does it deem so much harder.  Obviously he can’t give me the answer but I wish he could. However in his thoughts he mentioned that perhaps I felt I didn’t deserve it or I didn’t believe it a possibility. Either one got me thinking, because those answers made sense in my head, whether or not based in fact they made sense to me.

I recognize even as I write this that there is no skinny guy and there is no fat guy. There is only me and this is who I am. These are my struggles I am a fat guy in recovery but really just a guy.  Acceptance. Not acceptance that things can never get any better but acceptance that this will always be work it’s never going to get EASY. But when I didn’t worry about easy just working towards something I: Lost 65 pounds, ate healthier than ever; and ran a half marathon, faster than I thought possible for me.

Not so Fat Man Out,

Cory

Sink, Tread, Swim

The best treatment for a slump is a plan. Without a plan you are just treading water and nothing gets accomplished.


But first I seem to have to thoroughly wallow in my slump and usually press my self in a little deeper before I realize I am just sinking.


First I need to stop and assess the problem. Well that usually ranges from a simple to complex anyone's guess. None the less figuring out what the problem is imperative.


This time I  got tired, emotionally, physically, and somewhat spiritually.  This makes for a volatile cocktail in a guy with anxiety and depression. I was doing the best I felt I could and it just didn't seem good enough.


Friday just made for a compilation of crappiness. I thought Friday I'm going to do better I'm going to turn this around. Saturday I thought what's the point you've probably reached the best your going to get. Sunday I just felt crappy for Saturday, and today started with I'll start tomorrow. Midday I was able to begin pulling myself out of it.


Stopped myself from completely blowing it calorie wise.


Started getting my thoughts in place. Pulling together all the information that has been given to me. I have the tools I just have to get back to work. I can do this! I will do this! I will not do this alone! I have all of you reading this.


So here I am yet again, I rolled off the wagon. But I want to get back on and I am.


I wrote this to let you all, my support, where I am at. But more importantly if you fall in the same trap I did know this 1) You are not alone. 2) Worry less about what you did and more about what you will do.

Lost along the way

Have you seen that guy that used to hang around here. You know the one who was motivated and dedicated. I think he lost like 65 pounds. I even hear he ran a half marathon and didn't die! I seem to have lost him recently. I can say lost because I intend to find him again. We will be reunited.




It's seems to be about balance making it all work together without neglecting one thing to take care of the other.




Let me go back though, some of you who started with me may have missed a few pages because I have not been blogging as I should be because it helps keep me honest and accountable. Thanks for sticking in there with me. When we left off I was down to 250 pounds and I was feeling great, excited. I was looking at new clothes, feeling good about myself. I looked in the mirror and felt proud of what I had accomplished. Well let me clue you in I weighed in today at 254.8 back up those 5 pounds I struggled so hard to get. I could give you a thousand reasons why but none of them matter they are just excuses and justifications. I let this get me pretty down recently as I've known for about a month my weight started creeping back up. I even weighed in and "forgot" to write my highest weight down because I was too ashamed to see it. I made that confession tonight after weighing in accountably. I am back down a pound. Long story short I was not accountable about my eating and logging my food. It's not even so much about counting the calories as it is knowing and acknowledging what I am putting in my body, or how much of it I am putting in. It’s time to get back on track and set some new goals. I want to buy some new summer clothes in a smaller size. Maybe even a new Hawaiian shirt! LOL. I will no longer feel sorry for myself. It has gotten me nowhere in the last 3 weeks. Feel free to ask me how it’s going and if I logged today, it seems I need a little of that right now. I have always been most successful when I take friends on this journey. My bootcamp family is awesome at this but sometimes I'm not so awesome at telling them what I need because. I feel selfish, or like a year into this I should know better and not need that. Maybe I should and am but what matters is that those thoughts don't matter. I hate being accountable and transparent. I've said It before and I'll probably say it again it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I tell my clients that's okay all of the time, so here's a taste of my own medicine.




Now some of you may be wondering how that half marathon thing went. Well let me tell you I was never so happy to be done something. That last 2 miles really sucked. But I completed 13.1 miles with no walking. I finished in 2 hours and 26 minutes for an average pace of 11:11 per mile. Not bad for this guy at all. May 2, 2015 I completed that challenge. I got up at 4:30 to get on a bus at 5:15. I threw up in the bathrooms on Assateague Island. Then proudly walked up the sand dune and watched the sun finish rising over the ocean.  Isn't it amazing what God has made? Then I joined many in my bootcamp family and we did that run, and we each made it our own. Each their own goals and reasons, but somewhat still belonging to a bigger picture that day. Sharing a purpose sharing a goal. And we celebrated with each other. I was privileged enough to travel with four friends. two who helped start this journey (Thanks again Colin and Amy) and two friends who decided to come along run a 5k and support me in my journey(Thanks Greg and Steph) It all I had to push that last 1/4 but I heard my buddies voice and then I say my beautiful supportive wife smiling cheering me home. I pushed through that finish line. I fell into her arms and then I wanted to DIE! But that medal was beautiful and it will always symbolize overcoming and pushing past what seems possible. As I muddled through the crowded finish line Two boot camp “sisters” I won’t call them moms cause their not that old, found me and helped keep me moving until I was well on my own. I then enjoyed a day and a half vacation with my friend and wife.



Some of you may be reading this and are new to bootcamp.  Save yourself some time and energy. There is a recipe that works, but you have to be willing. I go through times where I’m super willing and then times where I backpedal. If I’m not working towards something I start going backwards and I’ve come too far to return from where I came. I got rid of those clothes so I can’t just put them back on.  If I can help you in anyway let me know. I’ll share with you anything I’ve been given, because I have been super successful, but I still have a long way to go.

My goals are to get back to tracking my food.

Be conscious about meal prep and planning.

 Make sure I make it to 2 boot camps a week and get in at least 2 runs a week.

That’s all for now, “thanks for the ear (or eyes in this case).

Victory or Defeat

Hey all. It's been a while I know so let me catch you up a bit.  I am now 250 lbs. as of last night. That means a total loss of 65 pounds. If you haven't heard from previous posts I've taken up this nasty habit of running, a lot. (well at least for me.) It is now eight weeks until Ocean City and my first half marathon. I've been training for the last 8 weeks gradually increasing my run distance. Each new distance has held challenges of its own. My short runs are now four and five miles. Crazy right! The idea of a 5K (3.1 miles) used to blow my mind.


When I started this training process friends took me out for my first long run. By long run the goal was to run 20 minutes without stopping or walking. With their support and the support of my bootcamp and running family I have been able to accomplish each new run 4, 5, 6, 7 miles without having to stop and walk. It's an accomplishment I was quite proud of. Feeling quite blessed indeed.


Then it happened. Sunday, I made the resolve to run my newest challenge 8 miles. Yes is was snowing, yes it was sleeting but I had NOEXCUSES. I met up with the brave (you might call us crazy) running buddies. Off we went. Then it happened I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep up the run. I walked. It happened somewhere around mile 6. How could this be I've run 6 miles without stopping, I'd run 7 miles without stopping. This couldn't be. The shame, the horror. I was walking. I wanted to quit right there.


In that moment I was a loser, I was a quitter. I was never going to make the cut and I might as well quit training because there was no way I was ever going to run 13.1 mile now. I pulled myself out of it for a bit and then it happened again. It hurt I was feeling pain, and I walked.  Now I really let myself have it. I was a quitter, I failed. I was having my own little pity party.


Thankfully a friend was near. Helping me to look at the situation for what it is. I was not looking at the situation in light of all the circumstances. Maybe I was being mellow dramatic. None the less I had convinced that I was defeated. Was I really, no, but my crazy mind told me this is hard just quit now.


I was reminded of the victory. Walk or run I completed approximately 8.5 miles that day. I had never done that before. Maybe it wasn't the victory I expected but it is no less a victory.  Maybe it doesn't always have to be all or nothing. Will I just quit running next time it get hard, no. Will I continue to learn to listen to my body and respect it, yes.


Next time you may be feeling like you have been defeated. STOP. Check for any victories that may be lurking in the shadows of the supposed defeat. Failure only occurs when you cease trying.


I'll try and write soon next time.


See you at the finish line!

The joy of pain.

I know I may have some of you a bit confused, and others of you already get what I am talking about.

I haven’t written for a bit just because I have felt uninspired. So a quick catch up.

First I did not achieve 250 lbs. by the New Year’s. But I did manage not to gain any weight which will suffice for a victory in itself.  I did however reengage my diet by going back to logging my food. My first week I was able to lose almost 6 pounds, the second week plateau but I can learn to accept that there will be those weeks. The fact remains though I am closer to my goal then I have ever been. I don’t remember the last time I was this size. I use the LoseIt app for my smart phone to track daily intake of food and nutrition. In working with Gruver fitness that information is then used to help me make better choices and be more informed about my own habits.  I really do hate logging my food, but it has helped a lot. Yes there are still times when I want to just throw caution to the wind and eat how I used to eat but in honest logging I consider the numbers. This in no way means I have abandoned my favorite food. I just consume less (usually). I have gone back to cutting out soda. I have snuck a sip here or there. But almost completely out, which is a huge win for me. Consistency is key. Consistency in eating, consistency in logging. Consistency in accountability. I know if I don’t log someone is going to call me on it. I know that my nutrition and my eating is how I lose my weight.

Now goal number two. As you may or may not know the relay for February is out. But the Ocean City Half Marathon is in. On May 2, 2015 I will complete a 272.1 mile long journey which will culminate in crossing the Finish line. Up until yesterday the runs had been fairly painless, which I count myself lucky for. Yesterday I ran miles and set 3 new personal records. 1) six miles without stopping or slowing to a walk. 2) I did not throw up completing this run. And 3) my time was 8 minutes shorter than the first time I ran 6 miles.  (Throwing up took a few minutes, and there was a few big **** hills on that first 6.)

I ran, felt good. I did stretch after and several times throughout the day. Last night though my knees started to bother me. Man did they hurt all night long too. There was no comfortable position.

BUT… I earned my pain. I ran 6 miles! My knees did not hurt for no reason other than my weight. The weather no longer has a huge impact on my body. Yes really cold and damp days I still feel it, but not like I used to.  I used to hear others who have earned their aches and pains with age talk about the weather and their bodies. But what was my excuse? I was obese. It hurts inside to say that but it is the truth. I am still not a healthy weight but I am doing something to move in a positive direction.  My journey to 13.1 will have a lot more aches and pains I know that but my joys afterwards will be in knowing I earned it. I earned it in pushing myself to new limits!

Climbing to greater heights! I come home from a run and I am tired, but I can pick up my boys and swing them around and know that I left them for an hour to insure I can give myself to them for a very long time to come.  Life is never guaranteed, but I will no longer actively shorten my own life.

I am growing as a person. My life is better-rounded (not my stomach).  Someone asked me am I doing this because of boot camp.  The answer is simply no I am doing this because I want to see what I can do. I started this venture not believing that I could but I agreed to try because so many people believed could. I have started to see what other could see that I could not. I am a runner. WHOA did I just say that, yes, yes I did. I may not look like that guys you see on the cover of runner’s world, but we’re a lot more alike on the inside then the outside.  Besides the physical perks, running has allowed me to escape the rapid fire world of my own brain. I can run and I can think clearly and work things out, or I can run and just be in the run. I love to run with others, it is a great way to get to know someone. I love pushing someone when they want to quit and two minutes later experiencing them do the same for me.

In case you wanted to know 248.1 miles to go.

Are we there yet?

I hope you enjoy reading about my journey today.


It started with a routine question. Anyone up for a 4 1/2 mile run this weekend.  And then in response I got why not come run the Dallastown 10 K aka 6.2 miles. It's only 4 1/2 plus 1.7 more. Should I shouldn't I, back and forth driving my presently unpatient wife nuts with my wishy washyness.  "You know your going to regret it if you don't" she says. Dang it I hate when she is right.


I got a good nights sleep. I got up made my green smoothie and went on my way. No big deal just 6 miles right.


Mile 1.2 all down hill great, awesome spectacular. Things are going well maintaining a pace faster
then I have ever before.


Mile 2 - 3 going good maintaining that same good pace. But wow there were some fast people there I cant even see most of the others. But we're not last! I say we because Trainer Jeremy Gruver is running with me. help to coach me along, keep my motivated. (It was his idea to run 6.2 miles today)
Then it happens the soreness begins to kick in. All of the sudden it seems so much harder. What's happening to me?! I can run 4 miles and it's not even 3 and I'm dying. "Did I miss the mile 3 sign I asked." "Sorry but almost" I hear.


Mile 3-4
I  honestly don't remember much about this mile. I do remember doing a lot of work on my breathing. I remember Jeremy talking a lot. Mainly trying to keep me distracted. But it was not the worst mile by far that's coming up.


Mile 4-5 Mile four rounded the turn to reveal what would be the first of the two remaining mountains to climb. Ok my feet hurt, my knees hurt, and my calves are starting to burn. Why, why, why am I doing this. Lean into it, don't look up. I keep repeating this in my head. I don't think I have ever stayed so focused on another persons behind so much as I did climbing that wretched hill.  Almost to the top clothes are coming off. We've deduced that I'm over heating. Jeremy is by my side the entire way. Now with too many layers on for himself and my sweatshirt wrapped around his waist. We've made it to the top rounded the corner its down hill from here. I an feel my knees start to go and my stomach oh no! Yep it's going to happen, that green smoothie is coming back for round two. One, two, three times the charm. Yep that feels better.  Okay off we go again. The rest of the way to mile five went pretty swell. Yeh it was pretty much down hill.


Mile 5-6 remember that nice big hill I came down in the beginning. Yeh, well last mile is back up that hill. A little walk a little jog, back and forth. I'm not sure if the hill or having to keep me motivated is more tiresome for Jeremy. It's ok, if I pass out or die I'm passing the doctors office. They have my medical records there. Interestingly enough that office is part of how all of this journey got started. But that's another post. Almost there, exhausted, tired, sore, beat down.  Then there they are, my boot camp family coming back to bring me in. Even if I collapse there's enough of them to carry me back. I made it, running through that shoot was an awesome feeling.


I made it. I completed my first 10K.


To top it off I came home and got on the scale to find I had reached another milestone I finally broke 50 pounds lost.  Honestly I'm more excited about finishing that 10 K.


Lessons
1) Make sure you eat an hour to an hour and a half before running, or you may revisit that meal again.
2) Running with a friend makes it a whole lot easier.
3) It takes a village to raise a runner.
4) Breath!
5) Breath!
6) Pace is important.
7)  It's humbling to toss your breakfast right in front of your friend and the race volunteer pointing directions.
8) It's okay to be weak but keep going. Don't quit!

New goals

It’s been a while since I sat down to write and I just wanted to give you all an update on my journey.

If you read my last blog I shared with you that I was going to do a relay marathon in February. Well, things changed. No, I’m not backing out or making excuses. I have foregone that goal for a more intensive goal. I have registered and will run my first half marathon on May 2, 2015. Say What!? Yep you heard it here. My training regimen isn't changing from what it was it was, just go longer and will become more intense.  If you ask me how I’m, feeling about this, well that is a loaded question. I am excited and nervous all at once.

That being said Saturday was a big day for me. First I was able to run for 20 possibly 20 + minutes without needing to stop or walk. Second it was my longest run to date, 3.24 miles. That may not seem like much but considering the 5K I did in September was my longest to that point, and I haven’t done more than 2.6 since then, I was pretty excited. I made it possible with the help of some friends who took me out for my first “group run. ” Thanks again Colin and Amy. Thinking back they were such a perfect pair for me. Colin kept me distracted, and Amy kept me motivated.  I didn't have a chance to get too tired or “need” to walk. They even got out of bed on Saturday morning in 15 degrees to go with me.

My other goal is still a work in progress as well. I had an awesome weight loss 2 weeks ago but now have stalled myself again. I still struggle with being an emotional eater. That’s a big problem. I don’t eat as much or quite as terribly as I used to but it’s not what I should. Just follow directions Cory! I know I know! I have no good excuse only crappy rationalizations and justifications. I also give in quickly. One bad meal or day and I feel guilty and stop following those golden directions that will lead straight to my goal. Sometimes I have to wonder what is wrong with me.  I am my own worst enemy.


Thursday I will join several other boot campers for our own Thanksgiving turkey Trot. In the midst of writing this post I received my new goal . I was challenged to work on pacing myself and not walking the course at all. My response was that, while I sat here thinking of reasons why I couldn't do that all I could come up with were lame excuses and his message was received.


This Thanksgiving I am grateful for a new life, a healthier life. A journey and goals. People who believe in me even when I can't see to do so myself. And well so many, many more things. But that's another post.


Happy Thanksgiving!

Goals

Goals.
 I came into this journey thinking that my goal was to lose 100 pounds. This seems like a pretty solid and huge goal but I have found that for me it gets boring. I am finding out that I work best with smaller more attainable goals along the way to my big goals. I’m not sure why this wasn’t obvious to me I’ve been teaching it to people for the past several years. So I’ve been stuck in my weight loss journey for almost 2 months now. I’m stubborn and I’m not always the most ready to just follow directions before trying it my way. But all that said I am back on track now.

First thing I decided I needed to do was set some goals. I needed to set a goal that I knew I could reach with little to no trouble. Not to say it is insignificant but to say I have complete confidence in my ability to do so. 

Goal 1: I have a goal weight of 250 pounds by January 1.

• To achieve I need to return to maintaining and monitoring my eating with a definite precision 2300 calories. By monitoring I mean logging my food. This can become kind of daunting at times but it works and not doing it doesn’t for me so,. Loseit© is my best pal again.

Next,  I needed a challenge. I returned to my fatmanrunning roots with this one. I need something that is going to push me out of my comfort zone, but that is realistic and attainable. Something I want something I have never done before.

Goal 2: Participate in and complete a relay marathon. Myrtle Beach Marathon (Relay) February 14th, 2015

• Train for a 10k race. I’ll need to run between 4 and 6 miles with a team of four others.
• Find four others who are crazy enough to do this with me. (Easy I’ve got a boot camp full of crazy runners)
• Sign up! This is a must. If you’re like me you may procrastinate in order to give yourself a way to chicken out.

Disclaimer here: These are goals I decided I wanted to achieve however I needed assistance in determining time frames and realistic-ness. So for me I turned to my most trusted fitness guru and trainer Jeremy Gruver of Gruver Outdoor Fitness Boot Camp. When venturing into new territory its never a bad idea to check with someone who can help you determine the feasibility of the goal.


Nothing to exciting going on right now.


Stay tuned as I check in on my progress. And yes you heard it here I will achieve the seemingly impossible of losing weight through the holiday season.


One thing I am finding out is that inside this temporary body of a fat man lies the heart of a fit man, and his body will soon match.

Don't be an ....

On my wall at work you will find from time to time quotes or sayings I have found to be profound or just truth.

Currently one say this:

 ASKHOLE – A person who constantly asks your advice , yet does the opposite of what you told them.

Now that being said I feel like an askhole in my life sometimes. You see when I finally reach my breaking point I have come to recognize the need for help.  Once I receive the help I am good to go for a while because it is easy to take direction when you feel your back against a wall and you don’t know which way to go.

Here in lies the problem, after I take the advice for a while, life gets a little better. Then something in my head says maybe we can go back to the way I was doing it before, things are better now.

Now if you’re paying attention you just got smacked with a boat load of crazy talk. Insanity in fact. You can define insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So I’m going to take your good advice fix myself up, and then I’m going to go back to my  same old insane plan and expect that I can now manage it without following your direction, or better yet I’ll tweak your advice so it is more comfortable to me.

If you are reading this and thinking OMG… that’s me. Repeat after me. Hi, My name is ….. and I am an askhole. You see there is power in owning your personal shortcomings, because once I put them out there I can never take them back and now you all know. Now you all can help hold me accountable.

I've come to wonder if there really is such a thing as a plateau. I am starting to believe that you are either moving forward or moving back. Standing still just doesn't seem possible when I look at it.

Lets take my health.  Lost a bunch of weight following directions. Stopped losing weight, not the directions fault, mine, I stopped moving forward. I stopped following directions like I was supposed to and I started tweaking a plan that needed nor could it afford tweaks at this point.  I told myself it was a plateau but it wasn't it was just me moving backwards. So to not be an askhole I need to adjust my question.  I need to keep working on and figuring out how to accept what I cannot change. 

I've got big goals and I cannot afford to leave it up to me to figure out how to get there.

I’m not going to share these goals just yet because I need to ask for some help to set realistic attainable goals, using the direction I have been given. 

10 lessons I'm working on

10 things I’m learning

1: Failure only occurs when you cease trying

2: Your best is good enough as long as you are really giving your best.

• If your not, up your game. You deserve to give the best.

3: You are defined by what you can do not what you can’t.

4: One broken piece doesn’t necessarily mean the whole thing is broken.

5: Never compromise yourself to please someone else.

6: You are loved and you are lovable.

7: You are made of many wonderful parts, sometimes those parts work well together sometimes they don’t. It’s okay.

8: Embrace the people in your life who are there to help.

9: Don’t be afraid to show weakness.

• Allowing others to see your weaknesses gives them a chance to support you.

10: Be honest about your chaos.

• It’s how other know you need help.

I shared this list with my clients today. I teach what I live and I live what I teach. It’s not always easy being transparent. If you are reading this and know me, don’t worry I am okay. But life interacts with me in many ways and many venues and these lessons, all be it some are similar, each have their own place and meaning.

If you’re like me you may have noticed that sometimes there is this phenomenon that occurs when one part of your life is struggling, all of it begins to break down. Why is this? I used to believe and sometimes still struggle with the idea that if one part of life is struggling or weak that must mean that all of me must be weak or defective, broken. But as I grow and learn I realize that that does not have to be the case at all.  There may even be times where the adversity in my life has nothing to do with me. Imagine that, the entire world does not rest on my shoulders!

Now I mentioned my faith early on in this blog and sometimes it doesn’t show up all that much. But I am coming to realize that I am a perfectly broken individual.  God has allowed me to be as I am so that I can learn to rely greater on him. If I want to change something and I have tried over and over again to do the same thing, use my own will, and I expect that the results are ever going to change well that is pretty close to the definition of insanity. But God comes in.  Instead of basing change upon my own will power, allowing my strength to be rooted in the power of Christ’s spirit and allowing myself to be changed day by day.  God will never change me for the worse.

 

For those of you who are following along on my journey to a more physically healthy guy there is some news on this front too.

First, September 6^th, 2014 I completed my first 5K!

Second, as of today I have lost 43 pounds, it was a little more but I recently put back on 2 pounds and for a  while I was rather complacent with my nutritional guidelines and my weight didn’t go up but it stopped going down.

As life has gotten more hectic at times I have found myself using it as an excuse to not make it to bootcamp or to not get out and do something physical. Maybe you have been there too?

I was reminded by one of the many great people God has put in my life that I deserve better. I deserve to keep getting healthier. I deserve to keep losing weight and keep getting smaller. I deserve to lesson that chance that one of the many life changing disease that may run in my family will take me captive. I deserve to keep looking in the mirror and seeing less and less of myself.  My friends in the recovery community say it well. Don’t quit before the miracle has a chance happen.

I am recommitting myself to logging my food and being responsible about what foods I put in my mouth.

I will attend my bootcamp session. They make me feel good about myself, and I get to spend an hour a day with some awesome people who want absolutely nothing from me. I will take this time for myself.

I will find a way to be active at least two more times a week, even if it is inconvenient.

I will not quit, and I will dump my excuses.

If you see me along the way call me out, ask me how I’m doing. It helps me out.

Humbly,

Cory

Milestones and Life

Yesterday hit a new milestone. I am now officially down 30 pounds. I continue to put distance between me and 300 and draw nearer to 215. I wish I could say it was a piece of cake. Um-mm cake. But no it isn't. The lifestyle isn't, the changes aren't. I have a choice though I could go back to living the way that is easiest right now, or I can stay the course and make life easier down the road. Eating what you want when you want, how you want sounds great. But now I examine everything I put in my body. Rarely do I consume something that hasn't had some thought put into it.  Should I eat this? What could I eat instead.  Am I really hungry? Or is there something else going on? Because oh yeah are my emotions and food connected. Happy, celebrate with something good. Sad, comfort with something comforting. You know celebrating with an Ice cold glass of water isn't the same as that Pepsi was. Lettuce isn't near as consoling as greasy cheesy pizza is, or how about cheesy melty macaroni and cheese.  Don’t get me wrong I still enjoy these things from time to time but not in near as much quantity or frequency.  

So what do you do? Well talking is always good. What’s inside sometimes just needs to come out.  Share your joy. Share your sadness. The last week has had a lot of sadness in it. For those of you who don’t know or don’t remember I am a drug and alcohol counselor. In the past week I have seen two drug related deaths, two persons relapse and jeopardize what they are working so hard for.  I have seen death in life around me. It can kind of bring a guy down. Interestingly enough I have discovered that running, well walk /jogging, makes me feel better.

What Are the Psychological Benefits of Exercise With Depression?

Improved self-esteem is a key psychological benefit of regular physical activity. When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain.

Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. For example, the feeling that follows a run or workout is often described as "euphoric." That feeling, known as a "runner's high," can be accompanied by a positive and energizing outlook on life.

Endorphins act as analgesics, which means they diminish the perception of pain. They also act as sedatives. They are manufactured in your brain, spinal cord, and many other parts of your body and are released in response to brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. The neuron receptors endorphins bind to are the same ones that bind some pain medicines. However, unlike with morphine, the activation of these receptors by the body's endorphins does not lead to addiction or dependence.

Regular exercise has been proven to:

• Reduce stress
• Ward off anxiety and feelings of depression
• Boost self-esteem
• Improve sleep

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

All of that stuff is true. I have triple checked the facts.

Also in a conversation with Trainer Jeremy Gruver, Gruver Outdoor Fitness Bootcamp,  I learned that for every pound of weight I have taken off I have also taken off 4 pounds of pressure from my knees and various other joints as well. So in case your math stinks, all together that is 30 pounds of weight and 120 pounds of pressure.  Wow, what a difference a pound can make.  

Community helps.

By community helps I mean you need to have people on your side to make the kinds of changes I’m talking about. Rarely if ever does a person do it on their own.  Bootcamp has provided this for me. When I just want to stop and take a break because its hard out of nowhere, sometimes from somebody whose name I can’t remember I hear. “Come on Cory, you got this!”, and I can power through a little more. People in my life have seen that this is not something I talk about anymore this is something I live and they have gotten on board with me, even if they aren't ready to make their own changes.  I could never do this alone, so I don’t. I write this blog to help me, but hey if you can get something from it AWESOME!

On one last note.  I hit that official 30 pounds by decreasing my calorie intake.  I now have to be a little more careful in quantity and not just what I eat.  To my surprise it’s not too bad.  I now eat between 2200 and 2300 calories a day, and it seems to be working.  Oh and you know what else  I also eat these things called Green Smoothies.  Spinach based but I like them, it all gets blended with banana, strawberries, and I use a scoop of whey protein powder to start my morning. (Most mornings)

I am on week 2 C25K and it is going okay. It challenges me but it is okay.

Next time you hear from me I’ll be a skinnier healthier me.  

Thanks for stopping bye!

Take Action!

TAKE ACTION! Today I will start c25k and September 6 I will complete my first 5k! No more excuses no more fear! I am tired of being afraid. If I can sit on the couch for an hour I can train for 30 minutes. I made this decision two days ago but it has taken me this long to actually say anything because I was afraid to commit to it. I thought about doing it quietly that way I always had an out no one would ever know that I quit. No more living like that! I have exactly 8 weeks. But all that was said for this purpose, please help me be accountable.


Above is the Facebook post I shared with my boot camp family today. You see I need them to know what I'm doing because as I said if I did not tell them I always have an out.


Why would I need an out? Well in my life anxiety and depression can creep in sometimes and that equates to fear and when that happens I tend to give up, give in, or all out quit.  I'm tired of living like this I have missed countless opportunities because of this and no more.


How did all of this come about? Well in June of this year Gruver Fitness participated in the Double Creek 5K and I did not. Why, because I was afraid, afraid I couldn't do it. I was afraid to try I didn't even start the c25K program, then I fell farther and farther behind my comrades and I just gave up on the idea. Are you doing Double Creek I was asked countless times. No, and I made numerous excuses. Well I'm tired of the excuses.


But I digress, this new personal goal is all about taking action. It is a call to action from Boot camp fearless leader Jeremy Gruver. With his permission I will share this call with the rest of you who are not Boot campers in the near future.


I was scared of this call because it spoke directly to me. The changes that are coming in my life will change the way I live for the rest of my life. But like I tell my clients tomorrow is not guaranteed so one day at a time. But I'm going to live today like I'm going to see tomorrow.


Tonight I started C25K a program geared taking the couch potato and training them to take on a 5K race or 3.1 miles.(Just in case you don't remember your metric conversions). I have thought about starting C25K numerous times. Even told people I was going to start, but alas I never did. NO MORE, TAKE ACTION! So I did just that tonight. Even got the wife to do it too.


Maybe some of you out there are waiting for the right time to take action. Well my friends now is that time.  What is it you have been putting off until tomorrow? Out of fear, out of doubt, whatever the reason.  CARPE DIEM! TAKE ACTION. (carpe diem is Latin for seize the day) Stop living in pursuit of the future, live in pursuit of today! (I think that's original.)


Stay tuned as I continue to chronicle my journey to better health, better life, and a 5K. Think I'm crazy, some of my fellow boot campers have started training for a 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles). Best of luck to them. I believe in you all.




So I will prove this fat man can run. When I do, maybe I'll start a new blog, "Not so fat man, still running!"

Redefining moments

The past week I have found myself in my own personal quagmire. As I continue my journey to better health and fitness, I have my ups and downs. Last week was a roller coaster for me. I started off my week going to boot camp as I always do. Monday held the dreaded 1/2 mile. Now I know a half mile doesn't sound like much and your right if you are taking a leisurely stroll. However we are trained to push ourselves to try harder and strive for more. Remember I am only recently a former 300 lb man. Actually I am down 23.8 lbs but I'll get to that. In the past I have run this gauntlet in 7 plus minutes. This past time however unknowingly to me I was about to take this challenge and obliterate my previous time. I took off 1 minute and 55 seconds. Nearly 2 minutes in a month. I felt great and could hardly go. I could barely finish the rest of the workout. I had  flashback to my first night, and I immediately started to feel angry and I pushed, and with the help of my fellow boot campers, and a trainer "who I felt like knew all this was going to happen before I did" I made it through and didn't get too worked up. I still hate feeling that way though. I hate feeling like I can't do it, because then my mind says well just quit and then I have to work twice as hard because I am fighting my body and my mind.  I was so shocked by my own achievement I forced myself to do it again later in the week to prove it wasn't a fluke. It wasn't! 

Here's where it get mucky. I had made this achievement but fear began to creep in.  My thoughts included: You'll never be able to do that again. You won't be able to beat that. It's not going to get any better for you. You are not a runner. While the thought of quitting was never entertained, fear crept in. All of those thought entered my head over and over. I have had to come back and check myself reminding myself I have no idea what I can do because I have never done it.  I am not failing until I stop trying. And I never thought I could do some of what I have already done. So now I have a new goal, a goal that is not weight related. 1: I will do the 1/2 mile without walking. 2: I will do it in less than 5 minutes. 

I still struggle with food at times. I love to eat and love to cook. Food is comforting. But so far I have managed to continue losing with a few spots where I plateau mostly because I ceased being mindful of what and how I ate. Hopefully I can hit the 25 lb mark this week. We'll see. It is very doable but will require dedication.

I hope to be able to enjoy this holiday weekend with no weight gain and a continual loss. In order to accomplish this I need to discipline myself. There is no throwing caution to the wind and eating what I want. I can still enjoy my favorite but with DISCIPLINE. My goal is also to make it through the holiday weekend without any soda. I do pretty well with this most days but holidays are rough. Right now if I am going to drink my calories I prefer a more adult form anyway. But RESPONSIBLY!

Back again! or Hey there!

Hi all,

I am inviting you all here to join me on this crazy ride called life. I think of this venture in blogging as having a virtual front porch, or living room if you will, where we can sit down and just have a chat. True to real life I'll probably do most of the talking but look forward to sharing my experiences with you.

When I created this blog spot several years ago the name was very literal. I was a fatman who wanted to start running. Well my concept has sort of evolved. I am, as of now, still a fatman. But running is no longer strictly literal. I want to share about life in general. running this race of life. Let me share a little about myself.

My name is Cory. I am a 30 year old father of 2. A two year old handful, Ben, and my second son is 4 months as of this week, Adam.  I am married to a patient and loving woman Heather. I love the outdoors, animals, science fiction, and many more things you'll likely hear about in this journey. I am a christian man, actively attending church, and participating in our young adult group, and I make no apologies for my beliefs. It is a part of who I am. I am kind, loving and gentle.

During the day I am an addictions counselor. I work with persons struggling with the disease of addiction and alcoholism. This is often stressful and rewarding all in the same moment. My job is not physical, but it is mental and emotional. A client once described me as a giant teddy bear, big enough to scare away the bad stuff, and soft enough to comfort. I take great pride in that description.

Sometimes I may talk about my struggles to live healthier.

Sometimes I may talk about my struggles to be a good dad.

Sometimes I may talk about struggles being a christian man in today world.

Sometimes I may talk about the struggles being a good husband.

You'll have to just keep checking back to see where I am at today.

Writing provides accountability and lets me share. Something I need, and something I love. Welcome to my life. This blog is not a tell all, there are parts of my life that are private.

Thanks for stopping by,
Cory

disclaimer - there will be typos, I am working on it.

Spring has Sprung.

Spring has sprung and it is time for new beginnings. In order for a new beginning there must an end to an old one. Something must stop, something must go away. Well I'm thinking it is time for part of me to go away, specifically MANY unwanted and unhealthy pounds.

I have made a decision to give Boot Camp a try. No I'm not joining the military but I am going to join what seems like an army of people who are changing their lives in some drastic ways. Losing unwanted weight, becoming healthier, looking better, and feeling better about themselves.

Last night a met the man behind the whole thing. I don't know if I have met somebody who is as excited about what he does in a long while. It felt like he cared if I succeeded. Working with patients all of the time I know the initial report is important. I trust him. I was met with no judgement. I do that to myself often. expect judgement when there is none there. The truth is I am the one unhappy with my weight. I am the one unhappy with not being able to keep up with my 2 year old son. I am unhappy with tighter pants, and popping buttons. Having to buy long or tall shirts not because I am THAT tall but because they are what covers that big UGLY gut.

Next week it starts. Hopefully the beginning of the end. Mondays and Wednesdays 4:30 to 5:30 I'm boot camping. In addition to the what will be the introduction of intentional exercise into my routine I have started watching my calories. With my recent movement into the world of smart phones. I have downloaded this handy little app called lose it!. Interestingly enough I am allowed to have a MINIMUM of 2565 calories. In tracking so far I can manage that. I eat that much and I am not hungry.

Thanks for stopping by!
Cory