Still here

"The fact that you aren’t where you want to be, should be enough motivation."

This phrase keeps popping up. And I can only respond you’re right it should be. I have no excuses, although my brain tries to justify. I have no limitations, although my body says I do. So why doesn’t it seem like enough. I even asked the Dr. Freud’s Therapy ball that sits on my desk. And his best answer was HMMMMM! Are you kidding me! If the universal forces that control the therapy ball can’t help me than I must be helpless.  I should give in and quit, but the problem is I won’t. If I would, everything could just go back to the way it was before. Next problem, it can’t because I have been educated so I can’t go back. I can no longer be a victim to bad genes, behaviors, and ignorance.  If I go back I must admit fully that it was a choice and I knew full well what would happen. I have been given every tool that I can have. 

Okay so knowing all that tells me nothing about why I’m not going forward. I feel so much better than I did a year and a half ago, probably better than I ever have. It’s hard to believe that “I” can feel better than this so working towards it feels futile at times.   It’s not fun logging food every time I open my mouth, but it works. So I quit doing that before I have too much success.  Then I don’t start again for a while because what’s the use I’m just going to quit again. I feel like every set back, every bad choice/meal/decision makes me a failure. Feeling like that sucks! It’s not realistic but hey it’s “my” feeling. I know it’s true you can’t out train a bad diet. 

In my work and personal life I love seeing people makes changes to better themselves. I want to tell them that it’s okay to be scared, I was, and still am(obviously) but the journey is great, where you are headed is amazing.  So why am I not trying harder to change what I know needs to change.  I am still trying to figure that one out completely.  But I may fall and stumble, but I will not go back. In the immortal words of Chumbawamba “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down. “