They say you can't go back

They say you cant go back, but that's not really true in some cases. What I have found is that I can go back to being 315 lbs and it can happen faster than I thought. Two years ago I was at my lowest weight in over a decade 250 lbs. But I became complacent and made a somewhat unconscious choice to stay there. ( I wasn't doing the necessary to lose, but I also wasn't trying to get back to where I was.) I've not gone all the way back to 315, but at my last weigh in I was 278.2 lbs. That 28 lbs that I have to lose again. That kind of pissed me off. I could give you a thousand reasons why I gained it back but they would all be just be excuses.

Anyway, I don't write this for pity or to publicly shame myself. But for the sole purpose of public accountability. It's not like I lack resources. Besides Bootcamp, I work at a gym for crying out loud.

So the idea is to use the numerous resources at my disposal.

Step one: Reconnect with a healthy and supportive community. (That's all of you) Hi everybody. My names Cory and I'm a recovering fat guy.

Step Two: Plan - Meals for the week have been planned. (Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) Grocery shopping has been completed. ( No more unplanned trips to the store-it's bad for the waist and the wallet) Workouts for the week are planned. (three days of running and at least two days of cross training)

Step Three: Execute - Meal prepping will be done tomorrow for the Monday Tuesday, and Wednesday. Wednesday will finish out Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Log those meals. I even added the premium to my Lose It so I could log in advance to help stay on track.

Step four: Be accountable - I plan to blog weekly about the success and failures of the previous week. My post may not be long but keep an eye out for it. I have also begun personal training with Jeremy to help get me back on track.

I have goals.

Still here

"The fact that you aren’t where you want to be, should be enough motivation."

This phrase keeps popping up. And I can only respond you’re right it should be. I have no excuses, although my brain tries to justify. I have no limitations, although my body says I do. So why doesn’t it seem like enough. I even asked the Dr. Freud’s Therapy ball that sits on my desk. And his best answer was HMMMMM! Are you kidding me! If the universal forces that control the therapy ball can’t help me than I must be helpless.  I should give in and quit, but the problem is I won’t. If I would, everything could just go back to the way it was before. Next problem, it can’t because I have been educated so I can’t go back. I can no longer be a victim to bad genes, behaviors, and ignorance.  If I go back I must admit fully that it was a choice and I knew full well what would happen. I have been given every tool that I can have. 

Okay so knowing all that tells me nothing about why I’m not going forward. I feel so much better than I did a year and a half ago, probably better than I ever have. It’s hard to believe that “I” can feel better than this so working towards it feels futile at times.   It’s not fun logging food every time I open my mouth, but it works. So I quit doing that before I have too much success.  Then I don’t start again for a while because what’s the use I’m just going to quit again. I feel like every set back, every bad choice/meal/decision makes me a failure. Feeling like that sucks! It’s not realistic but hey it’s “my” feeling. I know it’s true you can’t out train a bad diet. 

In my work and personal life I love seeing people makes changes to better themselves. I want to tell them that it’s okay to be scared, I was, and still am(obviously) but the journey is great, where you are headed is amazing.  So why am I not trying harder to change what I know needs to change.  I am still trying to figure that one out completely.  But I may fall and stumble, but I will not go back. In the immortal words of Chumbawamba “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down. “

There is only me this is who I am

Fat man in recovery.

I told one of my groups last week that I am a fat man in recovery. And I really need to look at my life that way. You see a person in recovery always has the options to go back to old ways but they understand the consequences and many times the heaviest consequence is their life.  But you see I likely won’t die quickly from this. It will likely takes days, week, sometimes years off of the end of my life.  Days, weeks, and years I want and I need to take back.

The last several months have been a yoyo with my weight I have lost gained and lost the same pounds over and over. Lots of various excuses but all in all inconsistency and lack of discipline. My running has slowly diminished to the point I feel like a beginner novice again.

I FEEL like I can’t yet I KNOW I can. I am getting back at it. The fat man inside me screams NO. No more lettuce! The fat man inside me says no more BURPEES. (Well actually the fat man and the skinny man inside me scream that.) You get the drift. He can’t win, he is fighting to stay on the outside. He will not win. I will probably always have a fat man inside me. He looks like shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, anxiety, and frustration. He looks for the fastest route to ease those things, and for too long it was food, and denial, and silence. The skinny man has been silently dying for too many years. He was quiet and gentle and afraid to stand up to the fat man and take what he deserved. A happy HEALTHY life.

So how do I support that Skinny guy?

 I stay connected with my skinny support group.

No, they are not all skinny it’s not a requirement to be in someone’s skinny support group.  Most of my skinny support group are fighting the same fights I am. I am not a skinny guy, yet I am able to support many people in their journeys.

I monitor what I eat.

I need to log my food because that is the ONLY time I lose weight. And let me be honest I HATE logging food. It is tedious to me. It’s not really that hard but it’s a mental thing. Fat guy block.

I exercise regularly.

I need to go to boot camp twice a week and I need to make time to run at least 2 times a week.  It doesn’t have to be a 100 miles but get out and go.

I had a conversation with fearless leader this morning. (For those of you just joining in fearless leader is the title I give to Trainer Jeremy Gruver, Gruver Outdoor Fitness Bootcamp). He encouragingly pointed out that the map to my next goal is not much different than the one taken to get here, now.  To which I asked very honestly then why does it deem so much harder.  Obviously he can’t give me the answer but I wish he could. However in his thoughts he mentioned that perhaps I felt I didn’t deserve it or I didn’t believe it a possibility. Either one got me thinking, because those answers made sense in my head, whether or not based in fact they made sense to me.

I recognize even as I write this that there is no skinny guy and there is no fat guy. There is only me and this is who I am. These are my struggles I am a fat guy in recovery but really just a guy.  Acceptance. Not acceptance that things can never get any better but acceptance that this will always be work it’s never going to get EASY. But when I didn’t worry about easy just working towards something I: Lost 65 pounds, ate healthier than ever; and ran a half marathon, faster than I thought possible for me.

Not so Fat Man Out,

Cory

Sink, Tread, Swim

The best treatment for a slump is a plan. Without a plan you are just treading water and nothing gets accomplished.


But first I seem to have to thoroughly wallow in my slump and usually press my self in a little deeper before I realize I am just sinking.


First I need to stop and assess the problem. Well that usually ranges from a simple to complex anyone's guess. None the less figuring out what the problem is imperative.


This time I  got tired, emotionally, physically, and somewhat spiritually.  This makes for a volatile cocktail in a guy with anxiety and depression. I was doing the best I felt I could and it just didn't seem good enough.


Friday just made for a compilation of crappiness. I thought Friday I'm going to do better I'm going to turn this around. Saturday I thought what's the point you've probably reached the best your going to get. Sunday I just felt crappy for Saturday, and today started with I'll start tomorrow. Midday I was able to begin pulling myself out of it.


Stopped myself from completely blowing it calorie wise.


Started getting my thoughts in place. Pulling together all the information that has been given to me. I have the tools I just have to get back to work. I can do this! I will do this! I will not do this alone! I have all of you reading this.


So here I am yet again, I rolled off the wagon. But I want to get back on and I am.


I wrote this to let you all, my support, where I am at. But more importantly if you fall in the same trap I did know this 1) You are not alone. 2) Worry less about what you did and more about what you will do.

Lost along the way

Have you seen that guy that used to hang around here. You know the one who was motivated and dedicated. I think he lost like 65 pounds. I even hear he ran a half marathon and didn't die! I seem to have lost him recently. I can say lost because I intend to find him again. We will be reunited.




It's seems to be about balance making it all work together without neglecting one thing to take care of the other.




Let me go back though, some of you who started with me may have missed a few pages because I have not been blogging as I should be because it helps keep me honest and accountable. Thanks for sticking in there with me. When we left off I was down to 250 pounds and I was feeling great, excited. I was looking at new clothes, feeling good about myself. I looked in the mirror and felt proud of what I had accomplished. Well let me clue you in I weighed in today at 254.8 back up those 5 pounds I struggled so hard to get. I could give you a thousand reasons why but none of them matter they are just excuses and justifications. I let this get me pretty down recently as I've known for about a month my weight started creeping back up. I even weighed in and "forgot" to write my highest weight down because I was too ashamed to see it. I made that confession tonight after weighing in accountably. I am back down a pound. Long story short I was not accountable about my eating and logging my food. It's not even so much about counting the calories as it is knowing and acknowledging what I am putting in my body, or how much of it I am putting in. It’s time to get back on track and set some new goals. I want to buy some new summer clothes in a smaller size. Maybe even a new Hawaiian shirt! LOL. I will no longer feel sorry for myself. It has gotten me nowhere in the last 3 weeks. Feel free to ask me how it’s going and if I logged today, it seems I need a little of that right now. I have always been most successful when I take friends on this journey. My bootcamp family is awesome at this but sometimes I'm not so awesome at telling them what I need because. I feel selfish, or like a year into this I should know better and not need that. Maybe I should and am but what matters is that those thoughts don't matter. I hate being accountable and transparent. I've said It before and I'll probably say it again it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I tell my clients that's okay all of the time, so here's a taste of my own medicine.




Now some of you may be wondering how that half marathon thing went. Well let me tell you I was never so happy to be done something. That last 2 miles really sucked. But I completed 13.1 miles with no walking. I finished in 2 hours and 26 minutes for an average pace of 11:11 per mile. Not bad for this guy at all. May 2, 2015 I completed that challenge. I got up at 4:30 to get on a bus at 5:15. I threw up in the bathrooms on Assateague Island. Then proudly walked up the sand dune and watched the sun finish rising over the ocean.  Isn't it amazing what God has made? Then I joined many in my bootcamp family and we did that run, and we each made it our own. Each their own goals and reasons, but somewhat still belonging to a bigger picture that day. Sharing a purpose sharing a goal. And we celebrated with each other. I was privileged enough to travel with four friends. two who helped start this journey (Thanks again Colin and Amy) and two friends who decided to come along run a 5k and support me in my journey(Thanks Greg and Steph) It all I had to push that last 1/4 but I heard my buddies voice and then I say my beautiful supportive wife smiling cheering me home. I pushed through that finish line. I fell into her arms and then I wanted to DIE! But that medal was beautiful and it will always symbolize overcoming and pushing past what seems possible. As I muddled through the crowded finish line Two boot camp “sisters” I won’t call them moms cause their not that old, found me and helped keep me moving until I was well on my own. I then enjoyed a day and a half vacation with my friend and wife.



Some of you may be reading this and are new to bootcamp.  Save yourself some time and energy. There is a recipe that works, but you have to be willing. I go through times where I’m super willing and then times where I backpedal. If I’m not working towards something I start going backwards and I’ve come too far to return from where I came. I got rid of those clothes so I can’t just put them back on.  If I can help you in anyway let me know. I’ll share with you anything I’ve been given, because I have been super successful, but I still have a long way to go.

My goals are to get back to tracking my food.

Be conscious about meal prep and planning.

 Make sure I make it to 2 boot camps a week and get in at least 2 runs a week.

That’s all for now, “thanks for the ear (or eyes in this case).

Victory or Defeat

Hey all. It's been a while I know so let me catch you up a bit.  I am now 250 lbs. as of last night. That means a total loss of 65 pounds. If you haven't heard from previous posts I've taken up this nasty habit of running, a lot. (well at least for me.) It is now eight weeks until Ocean City and my first half marathon. I've been training for the last 8 weeks gradually increasing my run distance. Each new distance has held challenges of its own. My short runs are now four and five miles. Crazy right! The idea of a 5K (3.1 miles) used to blow my mind.


When I started this training process friends took me out for my first long run. By long run the goal was to run 20 minutes without stopping or walking. With their support and the support of my bootcamp and running family I have been able to accomplish each new run 4, 5, 6, 7 miles without having to stop and walk. It's an accomplishment I was quite proud of. Feeling quite blessed indeed.


Then it happened. Sunday, I made the resolve to run my newest challenge 8 miles. Yes is was snowing, yes it was sleeting but I had NOEXCUSES. I met up with the brave (you might call us crazy) running buddies. Off we went. Then it happened I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep up the run. I walked. It happened somewhere around mile 6. How could this be I've run 6 miles without stopping, I'd run 7 miles without stopping. This couldn't be. The shame, the horror. I was walking. I wanted to quit right there.


In that moment I was a loser, I was a quitter. I was never going to make the cut and I might as well quit training because there was no way I was ever going to run 13.1 mile now. I pulled myself out of it for a bit and then it happened again. It hurt I was feeling pain, and I walked.  Now I really let myself have it. I was a quitter, I failed. I was having my own little pity party.


Thankfully a friend was near. Helping me to look at the situation for what it is. I was not looking at the situation in light of all the circumstances. Maybe I was being mellow dramatic. None the less I had convinced that I was defeated. Was I really, no, but my crazy mind told me this is hard just quit now.


I was reminded of the victory. Walk or run I completed approximately 8.5 miles that day. I had never done that before. Maybe it wasn't the victory I expected but it is no less a victory.  Maybe it doesn't always have to be all or nothing. Will I just quit running next time it get hard, no. Will I continue to learn to listen to my body and respect it, yes.


Next time you may be feeling like you have been defeated. STOP. Check for any victories that may be lurking in the shadows of the supposed defeat. Failure only occurs when you cease trying.


I'll try and write soon next time.


See you at the finish line!

The joy of pain.

I know I may have some of you a bit confused, and others of you already get what I am talking about.

I haven’t written for a bit just because I have felt uninspired. So a quick catch up.

First I did not achieve 250 lbs. by the New Year’s. But I did manage not to gain any weight which will suffice for a victory in itself.  I did however reengage my diet by going back to logging my food. My first week I was able to lose almost 6 pounds, the second week plateau but I can learn to accept that there will be those weeks. The fact remains though I am closer to my goal then I have ever been. I don’t remember the last time I was this size. I use the LoseIt app for my smart phone to track daily intake of food and nutrition. In working with Gruver fitness that information is then used to help me make better choices and be more informed about my own habits.  I really do hate logging my food, but it has helped a lot. Yes there are still times when I want to just throw caution to the wind and eat how I used to eat but in honest logging I consider the numbers. This in no way means I have abandoned my favorite food. I just consume less (usually). I have gone back to cutting out soda. I have snuck a sip here or there. But almost completely out, which is a huge win for me. Consistency is key. Consistency in eating, consistency in logging. Consistency in accountability. I know if I don’t log someone is going to call me on it. I know that my nutrition and my eating is how I lose my weight.

Now goal number two. As you may or may not know the relay for February is out. But the Ocean City Half Marathon is in. On May 2, 2015 I will complete a 272.1 mile long journey which will culminate in crossing the Finish line. Up until yesterday the runs had been fairly painless, which I count myself lucky for. Yesterday I ran miles and set 3 new personal records. 1) six miles without stopping or slowing to a walk. 2) I did not throw up completing this run. And 3) my time was 8 minutes shorter than the first time I ran 6 miles.  (Throwing up took a few minutes, and there was a few big **** hills on that first 6.)

I ran, felt good. I did stretch after and several times throughout the day. Last night though my knees started to bother me. Man did they hurt all night long too. There was no comfortable position.

BUT… I earned my pain. I ran 6 miles! My knees did not hurt for no reason other than my weight. The weather no longer has a huge impact on my body. Yes really cold and damp days I still feel it, but not like I used to.  I used to hear others who have earned their aches and pains with age talk about the weather and their bodies. But what was my excuse? I was obese. It hurts inside to say that but it is the truth. I am still not a healthy weight but I am doing something to move in a positive direction.  My journey to 13.1 will have a lot more aches and pains I know that but my joys afterwards will be in knowing I earned it. I earned it in pushing myself to new limits!

Climbing to greater heights! I come home from a run and I am tired, but I can pick up my boys and swing them around and know that I left them for an hour to insure I can give myself to them for a very long time to come.  Life is never guaranteed, but I will no longer actively shorten my own life.

I am growing as a person. My life is better-rounded (not my stomach).  Someone asked me am I doing this because of boot camp.  The answer is simply no I am doing this because I want to see what I can do. I started this venture not believing that I could but I agreed to try because so many people believed could. I have started to see what other could see that I could not. I am a runner. WHOA did I just say that, yes, yes I did. I may not look like that guys you see on the cover of runner’s world, but we’re a lot more alike on the inside then the outside.  Besides the physical perks, running has allowed me to escape the rapid fire world of my own brain. I can run and I can think clearly and work things out, or I can run and just be in the run. I love to run with others, it is a great way to get to know someone. I love pushing someone when they want to quit and two minutes later experiencing them do the same for me.

In case you wanted to know 248.1 miles to go.