Fat man in recovery.
I told one of my groups last week that I am a fat man in
recovery. And I really need to look at my life that way. You see a person in
recovery always has the options to go back to old ways but they understand the
consequences and many times the heaviest consequence is their life. But you see I likely won’t die quickly from
this. It will likely takes days, week, sometimes years off of the end of my
life. Days, weeks, and years I want and
I need to take back.
The last several months have been a yoyo with my weight I
have lost gained and lost the same pounds over and over. Lots of various
excuses but all in all inconsistency and lack of discipline. My running has
slowly diminished to the point I feel like a beginner novice again.
I FEEL like I can’t yet I KNOW I can. I am getting back at
it. The fat man inside me screams NO. No more lettuce! The fat man inside me
says no more BURPEES. (Well actually the fat man and the skinny man inside me
scream that.) You get the drift. He can’t win, he is fighting to stay on the
outside. He will not win. I will probably always have a fat man inside me. He
looks like shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, anxiety, and frustration. He looks
for the fastest route to ease those things, and for too long it was food, and
denial, and silence. The skinny man has been silently dying for too many years.
He was quiet and gentle and afraid to stand up to the fat man and take what he
deserved. A happy HEALTHY life.
So how do I support that Skinny guy?
I stay connected with my skinny support group.
No, they are not all skinny it’s not a requirement to be in someone’s
skinny support group. Most of my skinny
support group are fighting the same fights I am. I am not a skinny guy, yet I
am able to support many people in their journeys.
I monitor what I eat.
I need to log my food because that is the ONLY time I lose
weight. And let me be honest I HATE logging food. It is tedious to me. It’s not
really that hard but it’s a mental thing. Fat guy block.
I exercise regularly.
I need to go to boot camp twice a week and I need to make
time to run at least 2 times a week. It doesn’t
have to be a 100 miles but get out and go.
I had a conversation with fearless leader this morning. (For
those of you just joining in fearless leader is the title I give to Trainer
Jeremy Gruver, Gruver Outdoor Fitness Bootcamp). He encouragingly pointed out that
the map to my next goal is not much different than the one taken to get here,
now. To which I asked very honestly then
why does it deem so much harder. Obviously he can’t give me the answer but I
wish he could. However in his thoughts he mentioned that perhaps I felt I didn’t
deserve it or I didn’t believe it a possibility. Either one got me thinking, because
those answers made sense in my head, whether or not based in fact they made
sense to me.
I recognize even as I write this that there is no skinny guy
and there is no fat guy. There is only me and this is who I am. These are my
struggles I am a fat guy in recovery but really just a guy. Acceptance. Not acceptance that things can
never get any better but acceptance that this will always be work it’s never
going to get EASY. But when I didn’t worry about easy just working towards
something I: Lost 65 pounds, ate healthier than ever; and ran a half marathon,
faster than I thought possible for me.
Not so Fat Man Out,
Cory
